Worst Films of 2012

Omitted from the list since I couldn't have a film that would make me cut my eyes out

2012 has seen a lot of good films, but not a lot of GREAT ones. There has been some bad movies, but there were some BAAAAAAAAAAAD films this year. Sometimes a bad film has a chance and then an overzealous actor, screenwriter, producer or director gets in the way and the film goes further off track and buries itself in cliche's and plot twists that make no sense. You'd think some films that could have easily made this list like Snow White and the Huntsman or Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, but they were somewhat watchable. Twilight Breaking Dawn is excluded as it would have seared my retinas as Taylor Lautner attempts to act. Here's a short list of all of those films that wasted hours of moviegoers time:

Battleship was formulaic and that
didn't translate to box office success.

Battleship - Honestly, this had a spot reserved on this list since it's first trailer and that it was based off Hasbro's board game. Peter Berg tried to keep it away from being a generic story, but it was EXACTLY what you'd expect. Aliens come to take over the world and say nothing. The main protagonist is a headstrong semi-racist perfect athlete that's being kicked out of the Navy for fighting even though he's a high ranking officer and his hot girlfriend is the daughter of the Admiral who doesn't like him. There aren't really bad performances or directing, but let's face it, IT WAS BASED OFF A BOARD GAME and that's how you felt- BORED. Clue pulled it off. This didn't. At one point audiences watched them play Battleship. Fun to play, but every watch someone play it? It's boring. Another egregious error in the film (and several other films and commercials) is that it concludes with CCR's "Fortunate Son". I know people want to think, "Some folk are born made to wave the flag..." is a patriotic song, but the dead give away it's not is the chorus repeats "It's ain't me." It's also showed that Rihanna should stick to singing.

The prophecies didn't warn
us of a bad sequel.

Wraith of the Titans - Quickly churning out a sequel to the awful remake of the 1980's Harry Hamlin film, Wrath of the Titans welcomed back Sam Worthington to a role that was just forgettable the first time around. This time the gods kidnap Zeus and are attempting to wake Kronos, the father of the gods Zeus, Poseidon and Hades. The motives for some of the characters were off and it was just a way to quickly get a sequel out. Perseus meets up with Andromeda they fall in love (one movie later than they were supposed to) and the princess ventures out like none during the actual era, but GIRL POWER has their way and the film continues to just put greek myths together like they were spun from a speak and spell.

Abraham Lincoln Vampire
Hunter was so predictable,
you could have watched it
without sound.

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter - There were two Abraham Lincoln movies this year. One was great, insightful with compelling performances and outstanding direction that brought to life the world of the 1860's. The other was this one. If there was a movie that could be original and yet decided to be COMPLETELY GENERIC, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter was just that. In fact, you could turnoff the volume for this movie and still get the plot points. In a blog post I wrote while somewhat drunk, I feared it would get the "generic revenge story treatment." Well, it did. Young Abraham watches his mother bit by a vampire (who sees him and doesn't kill him) and Abe swears revenge against a certain vampire, but discovers that Vampires as a whole are the problem. So he kills plenty with an ax that is covered in silver (that he forgets about later in the film) and runs for office as a backup plan. He wins the presidency and vampires strike back by killing his son. Of course, this angers his wife as she screams out, "You did this! You brought this upon us!" Then it concludes with a long action sequence that is as pointless and over-the-top twist that would be completely impossible. It never got you immersed into the story the way the book managed to, but at least it got Rufus Sewell work.

What is real? A bad movie

Total Recall - If you remake a movie, it's subject to criticism to be compared to it's predecessor. Total Recall may have had a shot at being a decent film if it wasn't named Total Recall. Some remakes are made to get closer to the source material. Total Recall decided to get FURTHER from the Philip K. Dick story "We Can Remember it for You Wholesale", and never travel to Mars. Instead the world is two cities that remain in England and Australia, which is where Doug Quaid lives, dreaming of another life every night. His emptiness, which the audience is supposed to feel in 5 minutes, leads him to Rekall -the memory implant people. In this remake, Rekall is made to be mysterious and makes you wonder why anyone would go there. Or why Douglas Quaid wants to be a secret agent over anything else? Or why there was a three-boobed prostitute outside when no one else was mutated, but we'll chalk that up to an homage to the original. Anyway, the movie quickly changes to chase mode and the plot gets less coherent. After going through a long chase sequence, director Len Wiseman reprised the scene that makes you question the reality of the story. After having his wife chase him, Quaid now sees her crying as a friend is telling him, "It's all a dream." Where the original pulled you in, this drove you away. It never captures the original's charm or even creates a compelling story of it's own. Sadly, it doesn't even match the quality of Arnold Schwarzenagger's ACTING and it's villain (Kate Beckensale) never really scares you (unless it's trying to figure out why she's attacking the man that she pretended to be his wife). It reeks of laziness and feels like it's made solely to build up to the line, "I know who I am." Furthermore, it's obvious that this film was made to make the trailer look cool, not considering the other 90 minutes needed to make a good movie. But at least there were hovercars! That's enough, right?

WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR:

This movie was one big cliche' and but
at least there was a character that didn't
exist in the source material.

Resident Evil Retribution - Sounding too much like a broken record, but Resident Evil Retribution used more cliches and more pointless story lines than any other movie this year. Taking place in a secret Umbrella Corporation simulation facility where former S.T.A.R.S. agent Jill Valentine leads the Umbrella army against Alice. Also Albert Wesker (Resident Evil Afterlife's villain) is now Alice's ally with no apparent reason for the switch. This time Alice sees her life if she was a regular person who had a daughter during the Zombie Apocalypse. Unlike The Walking Dead, this facility was able to simulate what it would be like if the T-virus was unleashed in different cities of the world...but still couldn't come up with one decent action scene. Once again, a Licker is the scary monster of the movie and characters from the original are brought back to see if anyone gave a shit. Anyway, there is nothing at stake since it's all a simulation, but at least there's a little child for Alice to gravitate to so people are reminded of Aliens... and how that was a much BETTER film. It also brought back protagonists from the previous crappy films to... die? Well, just one of them. Barry- the turncoat from the original RE game- was introduced just to die. The film culminates with another fight scene against another human... not a monster in a factory full of them. The action is just way hack director Paul W.S. Anderson likes to make; plenty of ramping and changing speeds, with close-ups and quick shots that never get you into the action unless your the DJ that he asked to make the music. However, Resident Evil Retribution doesn't finish it's crap story, but leaves it open for one more sequel (I hope) for the fate of the world...which there is nothing left, so what's the harm.

Don't know how much worse these films could have been, but feel free to leave a comment below.